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There was too much posts typed through tears on my main blog, so they all spilled out into here. Join me on my Doctor Who induced emotional breakdowns.

"I don’t want to go" and other ways Doctor Who ripped my heart out.

It is time to take the muddled emotional thoughts that have been preventing me from concentrating on anything today and write them out properly.

I watched The End of Time last night.

So. Basically my whole reaction to the episode was this:

Except times a thousand.

I know every Whovian would sympathize with that, saying “Yeah, I cried too,” but the reaction I had was so intense I honestly don’t think I can put it into words. I sobbed so hard, I actually started gagging. I screamed into my pillow. I muttered things to myself through tears the entire time.

People would still probably think, “Yeah, I know how you feel,” but I honestly don’t know. I get so passionate about things. This was like someone I knew died.

Which, I guess, it sort of accurate.

But nothing felt more like a knife to the heart than Ten’s final words. Because that was not a man about to regenerate into a new person. That was a death scene. The Tenth Doctor died.

I am torn on the whole thing. Because, honestly, that concept is plausible.


I have not yet ventured back into Classic Who. But I basically know that what the Tenth Doctor said about regeneration is accurate. That it feels like dying, and a new man walks away. If rengeneration process was just getting a new body, every actor and writer of the show would be trying to keep the personality and mannerisms of the First Doctor. No, it is like a new man having the memories and abilities of the Doctor. It makes me think of Jackson Lake in The New Doctor.

So yes. Ten being afraid of losing himself and uttering the final words of “I don’t want to go,” is completely understandable. 


The Ninth Doctor’s regeneration was perfectly executed. He knew he was going to be a new man, but he accepted it, and the moment was wonderful. “You were fantastic. And you know what? So was I.” It was the perfect sendoff to Christopher Eccleston. It made us appreciate Nine, remember how great it was, but still get excited to see the new Doctor.

"I don’t want to go." As previously stated, it’s like he’s dying. He doesn’t get a final shining moment. He is scared and alone in the TARDIS. As if Davies hadn’t tortured Ten enough. Losing Rose not once, but twice. Becoming the last Time Lord not once, but three times. Having Ten unwillingly regenerate was like a cheap way of showing everyone that Davies didn’t want to leave the show. It made everyone horribly sad. It didn’t make me excited to see Eleven. It made me scream and curse and cry for Ten back. 

I can’t even bring myself to move onto Matt Smith, this wound is so painful.

I could’ve handled Ten being sad about regenerating. I could have even handled him going back to visit the companions despite the fact that he could easily see him as Eleven. But what I cannot handle is robbing Ten of his shining moment, that moment that makes us love and miss him, but closes off his time as the Doctor with hope. 

I desperately wanted to see him walk into the TARDIS, maybe smile a little to himself, and just say:


1 year ago on October 21st, 2012 | J | 4 notes